Fire goddess, walk with me

Our next battle is Tiki drinks, on Thursday. I was skeptical at first, but this one has lit my curiosity like Lucca (Willo) lights a flare. What constitutes a Tiki drink? I don't really know. I sure hope it isn't blended cloying horror, because I just don't do that. It definitely seems that rum is a nearly-sufficient ingredient, as is fruit juice of some sort. I mean, everyone knows that the ancient gods of long-displaced indigenous peoples liked their beverages light and refreshing, right? Of course not, that's stupid, and I say it only to waste words. Nevertheless, making pulque would probably not be appreciated.

It's kind of easy to forget the variety that exists in rum. Just in my cabinet, I have Barbancourt five star, from Haiti, which is light, smooth, dry, and volatile, as well as Pyrat, which is heavier and sweet with notes of orange. There is, of course, also Bacardi, which tastes mostly like vomit, and a good standby, Cruzan, which tastes okay and is pretty cheap. I believe that there is only one rum commercially produced in the continental US, which is Old New Orleans, and is a quite-good basic rum that isn't too expensive. Buying it also lets us feel good about our shame with regards to that city. Anyone I've known for very long at all has probably heard me talk of Tanduay rhum, from the Philippines and cost $0.50 for a bottle last I was there. It is superb. I refuse to buy anything called Captain Morgan's for reasons that should be obvious. Similarly, I've heard that some Spanish rum is really quite good, but the advertising on the internet annoyed me so much that I will not speak it's name. Harder to find in Michigan are some unique rums like Metusalem, which is a "cuban style" that is very rich in rum flavor, but still light in body, and the stuff from Bermuda that trademarked the name "Dark & Stormy." In addition to things actually called rum (for instance 10 Cane) there are things that are effectively the same thing but have a different name for reasons I can only ascribe to ancient politics (like Cachaca, most of which sucks). Some is made from molasses. Some is made from a different kind of molasses. Some is made from cane juice. Throw in the light-medium-dark and possibly blackstrap variation from each label, and potentially different levels of aging, and suddenly rum is looking like the most variety-filled base liquor of them all.

Have you ever had it straight? You should. Wait for a hot, hot, hot, humid night, sit outside, and pour some Barbancourt 5 star into a tumbler. No ice. Don't be shy. Sip it. Then drink it faster. Then pour some more. It burns like nothing else. It has a darkness that demands a particular mood, which it then twists and makes its own. It drives you crazy, but keeps you safe. Truly, to experience rum on its own terms is special. Pretty hard to do in Michigan, though. So go someplace hot, festering, stagnant, and do it right.